Being a comforter by way of the Comforter

I think we all come to a point in our walk with Christ when we get it. We understand that He is everything and all, and life without Him is insufferable. We don't want to wake up without the Carpenter. We don't want to exist in a world without the opportunity for redemption and grace to overtake us. We don't want to walk around without worship constantly written on our lips, but not only that, it seems impossible to do so. We are so changed and changing so much, that it becomes hard to remember who we used to be or could be without Him. Everything else pales in comparison to His proposal. We want nothing more than to be the bride of Christ.
I'm there now.
I woke up this morning, and before I rolled out of bed I thought,
I am so uninterested in a life without my Savior. 
There is a part in the beginning of "Pilgrim's Progress" when Christian turns from his family because he cannot convince them to come with him. And he leaves them, saying, "Life! Life! Eternal life!" as if it's something that could replace them, or was worth more than them. I always had trouble with that. It's hard for me to imagine turning away from my family. Leaving them behind because I have inadequate words to convince them of the truth. It just never settled with me, the idea of walking away from those dearest to my heart for something that so many people doubt and is so fantastic that it requires increasing amounts of faith daily.
Now it's different.
The Lord will slowly overtake you. He ruptures small pieces of your heart and soul, and fills them with Himself, but He does it subtly. So subtly that sometimes you don't even notice, until one day you wake up and want nothing but Him. Till one morning you realize that you would deny yourself anything to be His. The cost is great, but it becomes less and less as you sell yourself to Him more and more.

It's almost five years ago now that I sat in a church I hated, but now love, on a Resurrection Sunday. My pastor told the story of how Christ died for us, and then he said,
You owe Him everything. You could live a hundred times over, and still not deserve what He's done for you. So we ought to at least give Him our short existences. He calls for at least that.
And I cringed in my seat as he said the next part. I can still remember my fists getting tight and the way my stomach began to hurt.
If you're life isn't all about Jesus, you may want to rethink where you stand with Him. It is necessary that you sacrifice everything else for Him. He should be the greatest thing, He should be your all.
He wasn't that to me, back then. I sat in that church and I could think of many things to add to the phrase, "Jesus and..."
Jesus and my family.
Jesus and school.
Jesus and books.
Jesus and friends.
Jesus and a big house.
Jesus and success.
Jesus and victories.
Jesus and perfection.
Jesus and understanding.
Jesus and a future husband.
Jesus and everything I wanted, could want, and will want.
I was so uninterested in a life that was only about Jesus. It gave me knots in my gut and my chest got tight as I tried to think about Him being the most important and only thing in my life. It seemed impossible. I couldn't fathom it without feeling sick.

I've noticed that I do things slowly. I learned to love the things I love over a long period of time. I fell into friendship with Kirsten over a number of years and letters. I grew in faith through days and weeks and months. I changed who I am, little by little, part by part, piece by piece. I acquired a taste for coffee over the course of a summer. I accumulated a tiny library of my own, book after book after book.
And softly, gently, without my knowledge, Christ drew me to His side and by the time I noticed, I was far removed from this earth and enraptured with Him in a manner that renders me able to leave all this behind without qualms or regrets.
I am so incredibly small now.

This year has been really hard. Some things are so heavy in this life. I haven't experienced many of them personally, but recently a few have come close to my heart, and I've noticed more and more how much my friends have experienced loss and pain and suffering.
I have to confess to you, I don't know what to say to people anymore. I don't even know how to write things that might matter to them, or comfort them. I don't know how to be there. And I want to. I want to be present and impactful and kind and gentle. I want to be in their lives in a way that is something they need, a sweet spirit, a shoulder, a strong back. I've spent so many nights on my knees because of this. It's eating at me. It hurts sometimes, how unsure I am, how difficult it is to open my mouth. Because this is a new desire for me. I think this is a season of big things, and suddenly I've uncovered in my heart the yearning to say what needs to be said. Not just to listen to people, but to speak life and peace and hope into them.
It's so hard.
But as Jesus has become more apparent to me in all things, as He has enveloped me more in His arms, I find that I don't need to do those things, nor do I have to worry about those things. He is sufficient. When it's not "Jesus and..." but just "Jesus," you only have to have faith that He will speak for you. Because your heart is His. It's what He wants to say, and what He wants to say is never wrong. It is intentional and beautiful. It is right, always right. It is perfect.
I try too hard.
I get in the way.
But I am learning not only to be tiny, but to be still as well, and to let Him be there by me and oftentimes in the place of me.

I am nothing incredible without the Carpenter. Nothing at all. Not next to nothing, not partly something, not a little bit of this.
I am nothing without Him.
And I want nothing to do with anything that has nothing to do with Him. I am running from everything, my hands over my ears, and I am shouting, Life, eternal life! Because it makes sense now. I get it now. And I am confident that through these hardships and trials, He is growing me in a new way and something big will come of this. Something of Him.
I have faith that while I feel inadequate and unprepared for what my heart is burning to do, He will take hold of my hand, He will move my pen, He will put the words in my mouth. I have confidence in that. I believe that. I need to believe that.
Because I need you all to know.
I want to be His representative.
I want to be used.
I want to be a vessel.
I want to be salt.

I want to be a comforter.

As I become more His and He becomes more mine, I see how to do that. And it begins with "Jesus."
That's all.
Him, alone.

Jehovah + me + encouragement

I am about to go brew some tea and sit on the rooftop with my little sister. We are practicing the art of living slowly before we both head off on our adventures by next week. Then living slowly will be somewhat improbable for some time.

I got a package today. It was surprising + sweet + unexpected. Two more lovely books to add to the best ones that must come with me. I probably shouldn't be, but I'm taking most all of my dear novels with me and only leaving three boxes behind for safekeeping. I'm too sentimental to part with them at this point in life. They seem necessary. They are necessary.
I've traveled to hundreds of worlds, lived hundreds of lives, learned thousands of things. How could I leave that all behind? There is no possible way. I tried to talk myself out of a few of them the other morning. You don't really need these, I said to myself, my hands clutching a small red-bound book of poetry till my knuckles turned white. But I knew in my heart that I did. I do, I do need them. All of them.
Books are the ability to time travel. Giving that up would leave me a destitute soul.

These days of late have been full + brimming. We have been busy with loved ones and learning to love others. I took some time today, stole away really, to nap and write out an essay I had been meaning to because I cherish it so. And now, tea will happen.

It was one of the best things I've ever learned, that I can be others by reading. But it was better that I learned I am already beautiful, and I have a good life to live too. It was proven to me today, by a parcel + a small note.
I want to encourage you all my friends, because I was encouraged today. Your life is what you make of it, so make it gorgeous. Take time to read. Wanderlust. Learn. Discover. Do simple, slow things. Things you love.
And God is great. God is glorious. Because He is Jehovah-Jireh, and He is Jehovah-Nissi.

Today it seems that everything is a gift, and everything is wondrous.

In love.

My hands were shaking today. I was tired. I am so tired of this. I sat at school, mad at the people around me, reciting poetry and reading 1 John so I wouldn't be so mad. But I was. I was so mad.

I am so tired of people giving up.

Three people today, in three different classes, at three different times said what I can't even imagine saying.

They all denied God.

I wonder sometimes if the people who give Him up ever actually had Him.

16.

I don't remember the exact moment when I suggested to myself that it's okay to grow up. It was a slow discovery, something that happened over many deep breaths all the way down to the bottom parts of my lungs, I think. I constantly tell myself, it wasn't when I was fourteen, or I was fifteen, or I was sixteen. And then I constantly tell myself, it was when I was fourteen, I was fifteen, I was sixteen. 
My baby sister turned sixteen today.
We all grow up somehow.

Mud.

Dear Fleur.
This morning my older sister called and said I don't blog enough.
So.
Here I am.
Blogging.
I have to go to a birthday party in 5 minutes though.
Quick:
I've been reading Joel.
Thinking of theology.
Making presents.
Writing letters.
Studying/homework.
Brioche.
Strawberry tea love.
Practicing French.
Hafiz.
And,
I'm wearing pearls.
Bam. I totally win at life. But not really. Because I did not have a good morning.
Love Bell.

pink.

dear fleur.

life now:
pink lips.
FORREST GUMP.
stories about a boy who doesn't believe in love, and a girl who can't help herself but love.
poetry slam.
sweaters.
dangling silver earrings.
tired legs.
coaching meetings for track&field.
ria's slippers.
fixing a typewriter.
working on this.
peppermint tea♥.
red blankets.
wishes for pink stationary.
little illustrations on little pieces of paper.
prayers for HAITI.
my kitchen floor in the mornings.

i like it.
love from bella.