Happy.

Dear Fleur.
I got the Anthropologie catalog yesterday and had a short relapse. I am a sucker for sweaters. I'm good now though. I'm over it. Sort of. Winter is the hardest I think.
I am going to write a memoir on this year, just so everyone knows.

I am uncommonly happy.

Ender.

Dear Fleur.
Heading off to school soon. I have a French quiz today. But first I have to do my chicken chores this morning. I say my French ABCs to my hens. It helps.
I was up late last night and wanting a yellow cardigan. It was bad of me. So I gave myself a pep talk and went and read "Ender's Game" in my bed instead of sleeping for way too long. That book is awesome. I am going to name a child either Ender or Valentine. I think Mandy wants Ender though.
Also, does anyone else but me realize that Christmas is almost here? Now is the time I get to freak out.
I see Kirsten Bean on New Years.
And I'm pretty sure the girl in this picture is drunk. That means nothing. I just like her cardigan.
Love Bella.

Three months and cassiopeia.

Dear Fleur.
My parents took me and Mandy to the movies today. That was nice of them. Now we're home doing our homework. I really don't have much. Just some reading.
So I spent most of today lusting after the collected letters of Virginia Woolf for sale in our library bookstore and making more presents for Kirsten. It was very unproductive.
Also, I made myself cry over something I wrote and had an awesome conversation about dreams with Mandy.
I now know how to spell "Cassiopeia." I am so proud of myself.

One.

"We were together. I forget the rest."
-Walt Whitman.

This morning equals success with the breakfast.
Unfortunately, we are having complications with the La plus Nat visiting plan. It involves the flu. I have this sudden gnawing in my head to go and buy myself some silver&gold. I wonder if I can find it in town.

Also, I have had the oddest hankering to wear coloured nylons. But I only have fuchsia. And I am determined to find blue and yellow at the end of Clothesless. Maybe purple too.

So here I am in my kitchen about to make more cinnamon roll dough, just off the phone with Nathan, and wanting to buy myself silver&gold and wear pink tights.
I just want to see my older sister.

List.

Thinking of Virginia Woolf.
Sewing.
Chicken coop things.
White dresses.
Wedding tonight.
Tea.
Painting and wrapping presents.
Sisters buying me things because of Clothesless.
Peeling sunburns.
Talking with friends+catching up.
Last minute summer trips to cram in.
A lack of gas money.
Nathan's music.
Blog under construction.
Trader Joe's.
Wanting a dress form.
Kirsten.

*Not in that order.

Transforming.

Dear Fleur.
Today I am determined to write out a children's story I have in my head. It will be for Nathan. I don't think I've ever written Nat a story. So this will be a good thing. I kind of want to attempt painting pictures too. But that is making me nervous. I'll start with the words and see where I go from there.

Practice makes tired.

Dear Fleur.
I went to Church this morning. The one thing that stuck out to me:
"Why die for someone who's already dead?"
We actually serve a risen Lord. And that is incredible.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

Dear Fleur.
I am twenty years old.
Everyone is home.
La + Mandy brought me a pie dish. And a polka dot skirt. And a peach blouse. And a book of 100 breads.
Mom bought me a Ukulele and five chickens.
I was supposed to take a shower this morning. I just didn't.
I have been too busy reading Nicholas Sparks and Jeremiah and e.e.cummings.

I should go get dressed.
But did you know, the summer sun at six in the morning is quite possibly the prettiest thing I ever saw?
So bright.
Love Bell.

Clothes.

All I really want lately, is just a pair of grey sweatpants with a big waistband.
I know I shouldn't.
But sitting here and drawing and painting, that's all I really want.

William.

Dear Fleur.
Last night was Biblestudy. Jenn taught. We all drew pictures of what we thought God's will for our lives was.
I drew me.
Carrying a stack of books.
In India.
With a little Indian boy.
Teaching English.
And building a library.
The first thing they asked me was, "Why are your jeans rolled up?"
I had to laugh.

My essay is almost done. I'm still kind of going crazy about it. But it's good. I think. I'm not sure. I always have to wait till my teacher tells me it's good before I actually believe that it's good.

4 more hours in the Lahey bread method.

And today is birthday present cramming day. I think I have 6 birthdays this month. And one is in 4 days. And I have 2 scavenger hunts to do. Just kill me now. I need to have a birthday meeting with Mandy. Spring Break will be our cram week for birthdays.
We're going to need a lot of coffee for this month.

In other news:
Mandy went to Eugene and Lala gave her a sweater to give to me. First piece of clothing I've received since the start of Clothesless, and it's darling. Because I didn't even need it.
We have milk.
I dreamed of a Russian boy last night.
I need fabric.
My hair is straight.
And,
we have a very cold house. I even have knitted socks on and it's still cold.

Now for homework and fabric runs through the house.
Bella.

I like her hands.

I have been super busy.
I really don't even fix my hair anymore.
Mandy & I registered for classes on Saturday.
I'm in scriptwriting and early language & literacy and speech.
I woke up at 5 this morning to make a cake. It was kind of silly. I spent a long time on it. I've come to realize lately with Project Clothesless, I care more about food then what I'm wearing that day.
I look like a hippie now.
Tomorrow is Track too.
And I have to cram for Art History all morning. Gah.
Then teaching.
I so want to make bread.
At least I'm done my essay.
This will be crazy.
Please Paris get me through it.

8 cups of coffee.

Dear Fleur.
It was Valentines Day today.
I got one valentine. From Tazza. It was so sweet.
I made breakfast this morning. Sweet milk pancakes. Coffee. Paris tea. Nutella.
Then Jenn and I went for a run in town. We stopped in a consignment store and she tried on prom dresses. She's going to be in a pageant. I thought she looked gorgeous in a little white one. But it was too little. She fell in love with some yellow heels. I tried not to covet the little black v neck tee shirt. Isn't that crazy? Out of a whole store, I want a black v neck tee shirt?
We went to a Mexican bakery after that and ate sweet bread with tapioca filling.
Then I taught class.
Skyped Kirsten and read her "King Bidgood's In The Bathtub."
And now, homework.

This is my favourite holiday.
Love Bella.

I LA LA FAIL.

I messed up.
Again.
I don't want to, but I promised I would document it.
So.
2 days ago. Anthropologie. Browsing for necklace ideas.
I ordered a magazine.
Gah.
It's going to come in the mail. One of these weeks. And I'm going to stare at it forever. Because I don't want to look at the clothes because I know I'll want all of them. Anthropologie is my sweetest downfall. See, I would kill to have this butter dish. And you can only imagine what I think of their maxi dress.
But.
I can totally get over this. I'll just draw pictures of butter dishes and sew doily necklaces and not think of dresses.

I think.

The Rules.

PROJECT CLOTHESLESS.
The Rules.

#1. Absolutely no buying any articles of clothing for any reason whatsoever, unless in the case of an *emergency or an *exception.
#2. Clothing consists of: shirts, shoes, dresses, pants, shorts, pajamas, socks, mittens, tights, coats, shoes, hats, scarves, and sweaters. There are no grey areas.
#3. No asking for or implying a need for clothing.
#4. Try not to have covetous thoughts. Work on admiration versus want.
#5. Buying fabric is permitted. Sewing my own clothes is permitted.
#6. Gifts can be accepted, with humility.
#7. Buying a piece of clothing for a friend or family member is allowed as long as ulterior motives will not come into play. I.E. "Tazza would love this yellow dress....and I could wear it too."
#8. Document all failures and successes made.
#9. Accountability.
#10. The time frame is sure. January 1st, 2011 to December 31st, 2011.

*Emergency: a sudden need for an article of clothing. Such as a uniform/apron for a job. Example, boots for outdoor work. Bad example, dress for an opera.
*Exception: any feminine articles of clothing. I am free to go crazy with that.

FAIL.

I feel like hiding. Today and yesterday were my first Project Clothesless mess ups. Well, not exactly mess ups. More like tripping over my own feet.
There was a lady in class yesterday afternoon, and she was wearing the most adorable bright blue babydoll coat. It had ruffles down the front and these huge buttons that I loved. The front was a bib cut and the bottom blossomed out from under the bust.
See?
Total failure. I can remember every detail of that coat. And the first thought in my head when I saw it,
I want that.
It's one of the things I'm trying to get over. One of the reasons I'm doing this. I need to stop wanting things. There's nothing wrong with admiration, but when you want something it's a whole different level. It's coveting.
Today I actually went shopping, but don't worry, I didn't buy anything. I did end up wanting 100 more things though. I stood in RUE21 holding this black tulle dress that slips on over her head so gorgeously and looked so comfortable. I inspected it so I can make it. And I think I will.
The thing is though, I don't even like that store.
And I still found so much I wanted while walking through it.
I hate covetous thoughts in stores I don't even like.

I think I'll go raid my fabric now and fix my hair and then eat dinner.

Project: Clothesless.

Dear you.
I decided that I am too materialistic about eight weeks ago.
I was reading Donald Miller and folding my sweaters and singing Sondre Lerche. It was not a very sweet epiphany. I even had a mini panic attack on my bedroom floor. I looked at what I was wearing. Some blouse and a pair of shorts and knitted purple tights. Then I looked at everything in my closet and armoire and the stack of sweaters I had just folded.
There was no way in the world that I needed all of it. There was no way in the world that I could wear all of it.
It was probably one of the worst feelings I have ever felt.
I saw naked little children in Afrika and orphans with only one dress in India and men in China who only had two shirts and women in Puerto Rico who had to sew everything they'd ever worn. And then I saw me. Some spoiled white girl in Oregon with too many blouses covered in flowers for her own good.
I realized I like shoes way too much.
And when I got to page 191 of Blue Like Jazz for the thousandth time, I knew what I had to do.
I have to be like Penny.
And so I'm going to.
This is a promise. So I can teach myself to love more important things than FIONI high heels. So I can feel more privileged and take less for granted. So I can test myself. So I can learn a lesson.

I have rules. I will post those later.

But right now, I need you.
I need accountability.
Your job, is to bombard me with letters, Bible Verses, encouragement, rebuke, and occasionally, if you notice my mittens have a hole in them, maybe you would be so kind to buy me a new pair.
Thank you dear friends.

It starts tomorrow. And lasts for 365 days. I left myself no grey areas. I made it hard. I need you.

No clothes.
No buying clothes for myself for an entire year.
I promise.
Love from her dressed up.