Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014

I wrote a list today, of things I want to finish + start in 2014. Partways through though, I stopped. I sat on the edge of K's green sofa and looked back on the things I did this last year, and the things I didn't. 

This last year was wonderful. 

I learned. I discovered. I cherished. I braved. Grew. Fell down. Got up. Made new friends, and kept old ones. Wrote. Dared. Pushed. Worshiped. Cried. Laughed. Visited. Moved out. Left. Stayed. Read. Filled my house with flowers. 

I did so much that was gorgeous + beautiful.

Like I said though, I was partways through my list, and then I stopped. 

I decided then that I don't want this next year to be about me. I don't really want to make resolutions about myself. I don't really want them to be about what I want. I mean, yes, I want to go sailing. Yes, I want to travel. Yes, I want to visit more people more often. I want to find a copy of "Foxe's Book of Martyrs." I want to knit a sweater for a baby. 

I want to do a lot of things. 

Mostly though, I want to make a difference. 

I want to be better. 

Maybe if we all resolved to do wonderful things for others we would be better off. 

Maybe you could pay for someone else's coffee each time you buy yourself one.

Maybe you could be more involved in church, or even start going to church.

Maybe you could start working at a homeless shelter.

Maybe you could visit older people.

Maybe you could watch children for free so parents could spend time together.

Maybe you could make more things to give away.

Maybe you could hide more love letters.

Maybe you could befriend someone you never thought you would.

Maybe you could write poetry for people you love + go see them more.

Maybe you could adopt. 

Maybe you could change a life, or save one.

So, for 2014, I want to do a lot of stuff. 

But for 2014, mostly I want to be better. 

Mostly. 

What do you say, want to be better with me?

The hardest thing is forgiving myself

The sky is different every night now. Not that it's ever the same, but it's possible that I just notice more because autumn is coming and that proves it to me. Things change in this life, constantly and effortlessly. Sometimes I see it, and sometimes I don't.

On how to be better.

Discover. Go on adventures. Find things out. Learn about something you love. See a place you've always wanted to, and then come back. Or don't. Discover people, things, and languages. Discover secrets and the apparent. Discover yourself, and then someone else. Discover the impossible. Become an adventurer, a hero, an investigator, a searcher. Become a discoverer. Be curious. For once in your life, don't sit still.

Poem.

for once in your life, can you do something for me,

can you value yourself,

can you breathe deep and stand straighter, taller and recognize that you are worth something,

that you don’t actually need 

someone else

to be you?

so go.

jump off that dock into that lake alone,

drink that tea wrapped in that blanket in the morning alone,

discover paris and london and budapest alone,

scream at the top of your lungs on the top of that mountain alone,

build something important alone,

memorize poetry alone,

save someone alone,

learn alone, 

create alone,

live alone,

cry alone,

laugh alone,

be

alone.

because being alone is not a sin,

it does not mean that you are worthless,

it is simply a state of being

that in fact defines a certain persistence that only the bold have.

in fact, being alone defines a soul that values itself.

so go.

I found this the other day, on my weekend excursion with Père and Mandy. We were in the middle of an hour of driving, crushed beneath the weight of the California redwoods forest and the anticipation of the sea, and I found it in my black moleskine. Tucked in the back with the smallest paintings. I wrote it in the throes of an especially trying week not too long ago, but when I was younger still and just learning that who I am and what I believe is not all godforsaken. For so long I stood on the cusp of despair in my walk with Christ, everyone's judgments smashing on the small of my back, and then I let go. I wrote things like this when I let go. When I discovered it was okay to not be perfect and that grace is real. When I fell in love with a carpenter and confessed it more. When I gave up and in and became better. 

Do better.

I live by those words. 

Do better, and, so go.