The kitten on the sidewalk.

Dear Fleur.
I was thinking about Moses. And how one day he just ended up talking to this bush. A burning bush.
Can you imagine the way he felt?
If it was me, I would have thought I was crazy. Honestly? There is no way I can even grasp the concept. A bush. A flaming bush. A flaming bush talking to a guy. Insane. Literally. My mind doesn't wrap around it.
Then I thought about how crazy every person in the Bible was. Really. They did things people told them not to. They disregarded themselves, their reputations, their sanity. All for God. And it might not have been easy for them, but then I figured out why it seems easy.
God talked to them.
Never a day in my life has God audibly spoken to me. And sometimes it makes me mad. When other people tell me they hear him, or have heard him. I feel like screaming. And I have once or twice. I was furious.
Why not me too?
For a long time, I felt left out of some secret blessing only bestowed upon the "really" good saints. Tonight I realized how stupid that is. Secret blessings. Better Christians.
Ridiculous.
That's ridiculous.

We drove home from youth group tonight and Franny saw a "kitten" out the car window. She started screaming for my older sister to turn around and go back and save the kitten.
It was a sock, I told her.
A kitten, she screamed.
I am not going back for a sock, my older sister said.
A kitten, she screamed again.
If it was a kitten it was probably a feral cat with rabies, I said.
A kitten, she screamed so loud.
My head hurt.
I am not going back so you can get rabies, my older sister said.
My little sister screamed all the way home.

Maybe that's what it's like in my head with God. He tries to tell me something, but I'm not listening. Maybe I really am trying to do only what I want. I don't just want to do what I want. But maybe that's the way it is.
There is something I know I need to do. But getting there is hard. And I think I might be crazy. Because I know I didn't audibly hear God tell me to do it. But I know I'm supposed to do it.
Kind of like something else I did a few days ago.

I think God talks to me in dreams instead of out loud. And I also think being a Christian means you must be completely mad and probably have to give up a lot of things you really like.
We need to go buy sugar. I want to make donuts and we don't have any sugar.
Love Bella.