Diving.

On Sunday, an elder prayed for me and my family. We stood in the hot grass in front of the lake and wrapped our arms around each other and he prayed. He prayed something about waking up with eternity written on our eyelids, but what struck me the hardest was when he prayed for me.
That I would go deeper.
I stood there for a second when he said it, my breath caught in my throat as I barely mouthed the word after he said it. Deeper, I whispered. And then I said it again, just to reassure me.

Deeper.

There was a time when that word meant nothing to me. I had no experience with it. It was useless. I was as deep as I could go. At least I thought I was. Depth was a foreign concept to me. Little did I know then, I had only scraped the surface of my carpenter + His grace. There would come a time later in my life when I would suddenly pry my fingers from my face and look and see and then actually dive. Because all that time I had been treading water, and I thought I was standing.
Sometimes the earth we feel underneath our feet isn't really there.

On Sunday, I loved hearing someone pray those words over me, but better yet, I loved more that they meant something to me. I got excited, tears creeping out of the corners of my eyes and sweat making my hair stick to the back of my neck and the sun, the ever insistent sun beating down. The beauty in that prayer was not that someone else prayed for me to go deeper. The beauty was that I knew I could, that I wanted to, that I was capable.
I can go deeper, I said to myself as I went back after he had finished and I sat on a hardwood picnic table that poked splinters into my thighs.

I can go deeper, I said it this morning too.
Because I believe it. I know it.

i like this boys sweater actually.'

dear fleur.
i don't really hate sundays. actually i love them. i think it's my favourite day.
i just don't like this sunday.
i forgot to set my clock back last night. so i woke up at 5AM instead of 6AM. and then the phone was ringing and it was my uncle from norway but i missed it and he didn't have a number on caller i.d. and then the fridge leaked all over the floor. again. and then search&rescue called for daddy but he's at the men's retreat. and now i think i really want some black coffee.

my mother is playing country music on the t.v. i hate country music.

i think i probably need to go do something ridiculous. like wear mascara because i usually don't and eat yogurt for breakfast and sit on the table while making coffee.

oh wait, mom already made coffee....but it's raspberry flavoured. i hate raspberries. i only like the idea of raspberries.

i am determined to like this sunday.
i'll go make my own coffee.
love bella.

A little hat.

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She was tired when she woke up. It was 6:23 in the morning after all. She wasn't an early person. But her hair looked nice this morning. It was curly. Just the way she liked it. She slipped a little pink sweater on over her head and made her way out into the kitchen. It was snowing outside. Her face lit up. And she went out the back door. She stood on the porch barefoot. And looked up. The sky was white. Her cheeks were red and blushing from the cold. Her toes were cold. She was happy.
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That night she sat on the sofa with her sisters watching Bonnie & Clyde. It was one of her favourite movies. She loved the way Bonnie dressed. Classic. The woman looked put-together while robbing banks for goodness sake. Who else could do that? It made her jealous. And she liked that one little hat that Bonnie wore in the movie. She wished she had a hat like that.
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This morning was Church. The alarm went off at 6:30. She didn't get out of bed till a half an hour later. And when she did, she was still sleepy. But she shrugged it off. And got dressed. Printed tights, white skirt, cowboy boots, and that pale pink sweater again. It made her feel good. Not as pretty as Bonnie Parker, but good. And her older sister had made her coffee. That made her 'heureux.' Just as happy as when she pretended that she could speak French. Coffee and French. Kind of like Bonnie and Clyde... It was a joli day.
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Love from.
Bella