Wednesday, July 24, 2013

How I am getting over myself.


I used to have mornings when I didn't want to get out of bed. For many reasons, but the most prominent that I can remember is that I didn't like who I was. I wasn't happy. And getting out of bed meant that I had to admit that. And also that I had to try to like myself.
I thought my life was amazing. There was no reason for me to be unhappy. It didn't make any sense. And so I would lay there, wrapped in my quilt, wishing the day away. Praying that God would just give me an epiphany and I would suddenly understand why I didn't like my wonderful life.

I used to think I knew everything.

Now, when I look back at my life and the sad little creature that I was then, I am ever so thankful. My heart bursts, it is literally full of a joy that constantly blossoms, that daily blooms. I am enraptured and happy and so in love. I am not her anymore. That is my favorite thing to whisper to myself. That is the best and most beautiful thing that I have learned. I am not her anymore.
I am free of selfish desires and hypocrisy and hate and anger. I am sure now.

And I hardly know anything.

I wrote in my journal a few weeks back. I was sitting outside with the sun just leaving twilight and slowly falling into dusk, and I was on that same blanket I used to wrap myself in during the mornings, and I was praying and thanking God.
The words were more than true.

"I've been sitting here reflecting back on who I was before all of this. Before all of these dreams and this joy and happiness and the new woman that I am. I used to be so afraid. Of everything. I can't explain it. I just remember not knowing what to do or believe or if I was even really saved. I remember being unsure and angry and trying to make things up in my flesh. I remember being scared of God. 
I just remember hating everything."

It strikes me as odd that someone can believe they have so much of a good thing, and never realize that they really don't, not until they look back. My life was never really wonderful because I was never really happy. Sitting on that blanket, I had such a sadness and a joy all at once. For the last year I have been forgiving people, forgiving myself, and letting go of the bitterness that resonates within my heart when I think about all of the years I've wasted. I always have to correct myself when I say or write that. They are not wasted, I tell myself.
They are not wasted, because I wouldn't be the woman I am today without them.
All of my years have added up to make me who I have become. I constantly reassure myself of that.

I have come to the point in my life when I have to choose what to do. Who to be. Which path to take. I'll admit that it's hard. After what I have come out of and seen and known, there's so much I want to do. So many times I want to make up for those "wasted" years. I have mornings when I want to drive to Mexico with a bunch of teenagers and build houses. Or I'll be sitting in a coffee shop and so sure that what I really should do is stay in one place and help with ministries and lead Bible studies. Or I should write a book. Or I should practice more worship songs on my ukulele. Some days I am sitting at my table and I feel in my bones that I need to give all of what I have up and fly myself to the latest natural disaster and just be there, just help. Or I should quit school and teach English without a degree. I should work in an orphanage. I should find a husband and become a mother and raise children. I should involve myself more in my church. I should stay. I should go. I should have less friends. I should have more.

My back starts to hurt sometimes, just from the weight alone of thinking all of those things. I have to tell myself to slow down. I have to remind myself that even though God is loving and cherishes me and I really want to get out of bed now, I need to stop. I need to breathe. I need to pray. I can't just go around making choices and doing things because I've never done them and I feel robbed and I'm excited now.
I can't do everything because I'm happy.
Because I'm continually created and fearfully made and learning always.

If God let me live a thousand times over, I could probably do half of what I want to do.

The beauty of it is though, I have one life to live. And I only have to do what I need to do.

These days I am learning to go slower. To choose wisely. To listen and petition. I am realizing that the woman I am becoming and have become is really quite lovely. She is someone people appreciate. Someone people need. Someone better than who she was before. I am thankful. Can I just tell you all that?
I am thankful for the people who write me messages or comment on my blog or instagram or send letters. I am thankful for the old friends who pursue the new woman I am, the ones who have grown with me. And I am thankful for the new friends, the ones who have been standing around the corner that maybe I never even thought existed, but they have open arms anyway. I am thankful for every person who asks for advice, even when I feel I am incapable. I am thankful for my church. I love my church so much. I could write a book about you. I am thankful for those who are doing the things I want to do that I probably never will. I am thankful for the people God has prepared or is preparing to work with me in the future. I am thankful for the dream-chasers and wanderlust-ers and discoverers and explorers. I am thankful for my dreams.
I am thankful for Christ.

I am so thankful for all the people I am meeting and discovering and getting to know. It is because of them that I feel the pressure of the weight on my back letting up. Other people Love Jesus too, I tell myself with so much satisfaction. Other people will do the things that you can't, that you don't have time for, that are not meant for you to do. 
I make small choices now. So I don't overwhelm myself with making up fourteen years I sometimes think are worthless. I remind myself, I am who I am because of those. And I don't do things on a whim for that reason. I pray. I ask. And then I listen.
I prayed the other day actually, in the morning. Wrapped in that ever-present quilt.
And you know what God told me that I need to do?

I need to help people. I am going to help people. And He will be pleased in any way that I do it.

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