Amos.

I made the richest raspberry espresso over the stovetop tonight. It's biting at the back of my throat in such a good way. I'm thrilled. Really. Today has been so good. This morning was the first morning in months that I didn't set an alarm or worry about when I was going to wake up. And then I did, and I actually had time to drink tea and pray and read my Bible. There was no rush, no schedule, nothing to do but what I wanted to do. Also, I picked up two new little white demitasses. That is definite call for celebration. And I'm reading Amos. More celebrating, I love the minor prophets.

I've fallen into the habit of picking verses out of what I read. The ones I like best. I never learned to do that before. I was actually taught not to do that, because things don't mean what they mean unless they're in context. So I learned stories and chapters and whole books. I didn't pick things out.
For years I didn't underline anything in my Bible.
That all changed one, two, three years ago. I threw my hands up and gave in to that desire. The yearning for singularity. The lust for something smaller and simpler. And after a while, I realized that it was okay to do that. It is okay to want that. It is okay to like one verse better.
The end of Amos is something quite beautiful. It says,
15And I will plant them upon their land, and they shall no more be pulled up out of their land which I have given them, saith the Lord they God.
I like that. I like the pictures in Amos, but I like that one best. "And they shall no more be pulled up..." It reminds me of Lamentations 3, where it says that because of God's mercies, we will not be consumed.

Can I confess something? I like the new testament. I love the books that speak of Jesus and the early church and Paul and so many other things, but I really, really love the old testament. The old testament is so much more poetic. It is so much more promising. It gives me a bigger faith. It grows me.
I was taught the old testament in a harsh and unforgiving manner. One full of numbers and historical references and relations of prophecies and extremely rigid rules that were supposed to still apply to me today.
I used to hate the old testament.
I feel like I'm discovering it new though. And now I love it.

I am so much happier these days, months, years. I like who I am becoming and have already. I sat at the kitchen table today and took account of all the changes God thrust on me in the past five years, and I thanked Him profusely. My life is so beautiful now, so full of joy. I feel like I have proven that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Honestly. I learn so well now. I am liberated. And I can't stop preaching and writing about it. I even wrote letters about it this week, and it's only Tuesday.
So here's to wonder.
Here's to minor prophets and freedom to wear boyfriend jeans and new loves and new friends and change.
Because change? Change is gorgeous.

My life is proof of that.

I am working on a new project. It has to do with church[es] and who I was and who I am now. It's not so much that I have something to prove, but more that I have everything to share. Because I know some people will not like it. I know some people will judge me for it. But. But I want to say some things. I owe it to my Savior.