My hands are stained with dark walnut, I am coveting a new Ian Falconer, and I have not done my nonfiction homework because I am much more interested in the fictional fairytale that I have been painting at the kitchen table. There is only so much you can handle as a college student who dreams of everything but college. Some days are like this for me. And I promise I know it's bad, neglecting homework and reading and understanding.
But there's never any repercussions.
I think that is why I constantly do it. Avoiding my homework does not result in a bad grade. Waiting till the night before something is due does not mean I fail. Half-heartedly completing something never ends badly for me. I always do well. Sometimes exceptionally well.
And that's why I have days like this.
I am tired of people perceiving the things I don't even try hard on as, beautiful, and, lovely, and, above average. I don't like that my last minute, misunderstood pieces are of the same caliber as the things I worked weeks on. I hate that. And college is all that for me.
I once forgot I had an assignment due. It was something like fifteen minutes before class and the women next to me were talking about it and it's very possible that my eyes got as large as planets. I muttered a prayer of thanks to my Carpenter that my teacher had told us we could hand-write things like this, and then I wrote it. In ten minutes I wrote what she called, your best paper I have ever seen. She handed it back to me peppered with compliments and praise.
Sometimes I am done with not trying.
Sometimes all I do is not try.
And it doesn't even really make a difference.
I hope this doesn't sound vain. I just don't see the point anymore.
Not vain , but rested.
ReplyDeleteOnce a man read about the rest, that is remaining. He thought it was about a latter part of things to come. He knew not then about the rest in the Father like he does it now...