Wanting.

Currently I am swooning over the vinyl edition of Bon Iver. Truth is, I am very close to collapsing in my will to not buy it. Truth is, I am very capable of buying it. Truth is, I might cave by the end of this week.

I always wanted a record player. My Mother has one. But the reason my Mother has one is very, well, reasonable. The main difference between her and I, is that she has a home; I have a room. That makes it very unreasonable for me to have a record player. I can barely find room for my wok.

Kirsten and I not too long ago had a conversation about getting everything you wanted for your home or simply settling for the sake of having something you could utilize right away. I think I am an idealist, and I also think that I am a snob. Because I saw the purpose of her reasoning. She is totally willing to sacrifice some of her dreams, so long as she gets to share the big picture with her lover. In the middle of that conversation, I on the other hand found myself choking at just the thought of that. A husband and no stainless steel sink in the kitchen? I would die. I couldn't do it. And she was smiling. She was smiling at the thought of being fully and wholly satisfied with Sam and his love.
I am coming to see that my friends who are getting married so young are so brave. They are incredibly brave. And not just because they will probably have to start out in tiny apartments that won't fit a piano and it's possible that their front yard won't have a wooden swing, let alone they might not have a front yard and I bet that there probably won't be a record player in their home for a while. Though those are all very valid reasons from a woman's viewpoint, they probably don't mean much to other people. People who don't care about white porcelain dishes and tall boy dressers and dark wood floors. But it means a lot to me, those reasons. It means my friends are brave. Braver than I'll ever be.
It also kind of means that I am selfish.

I am trying very hard to not need a record player. Or at least to not want one. What I want right now is not important. Learning to be brave is important. Losing my selfishness and idealism is important.
I don't know if I will ever be able to crush all of my future home dreams. I'll probably end up with a Bon Iver vinyl and a record player on my bed someday. Because I cave, I give in. But I really don't believe my focus should be on that. My focus needs to shift. My gaze needs to turn upwards. My mind needs to move forward.

I want to want less.