Mustard seeds.

Dear Fleur.
This weekend was a joy. I deliberately avoided all of my school with the exception of storyboarding. I saw the ocean. I drank multiple cups of tea. I talked to my friends. Went people watching. Prayed. Opened gifts. I missed Kirsten Bean. Listened to stories about faith. Saw Nat and La together. Wore jeans under skirts. Had messy hair. Cried. Worried. Did not have to drive. Stayed up late. Didn't stay up late. I learned. I sang. I carried my sister. I watched baptisms. I drank Starbucks coffee where there was no Starbucks. I ran. I was given a wedding invitation.
And I was blessed.

I was thinking about money today. There is a woman in my small group who was talking about how much money her husband has been spending. "He bought a new motorcycle...he wants hybrid grass...we went shopping for new clothes....we spent $400 in Chuck-E-Cheese's...bedroom murals...ipods...we went to the movies..." Everything you could possibly imagine. She said they even bought her seven year old son a $900 remote control helicopter as big as him.
I wanted to cry.
There was this one day this weekend, when I started freaking out about money.
I usually don't care about things like that. I like to think that I don't worry about greed. But I've come to realize that I do worry when I shouldn't.
I sat on the planter bed outside the meeting hall and prayed really hard while listing everything I needed and my family needed in my head.
A lot of people talked about faith.
Today I had to buy windshield wipers for my van. Two of them. So I bought them, because it rains a lot here. I spent $20.
And I cried so hard.
I kept asking God why could he let my windshield wipers break if he knew I have to go to school this week and I'll be short gas money because I had to buy new ones. Didn't he care? And then I looked down at my sandals and had an epiphany of sorts that it wasn't supposed to be about money and I was supposed to have faith.
I also realized that if I didn't buy new windshield wipers it would probably rain and then I would end up crashing my car because I couldn't see and I would probably die or have to walk home in the rain in my sandals.
I stopped crying and felt stupid.

Matthew 17
20And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief; for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Move from here to yonder place; and it shall move; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

I should just stop worrying. Tonight I'll call Kirsten. Bake something. Write in my screenplay at least ten pages. Finish my storyboard. Read my Bible. I will actually fix my hair. Maybe. I'll drink tea. I want to stargaze. I will browse Joy the Baker. Write letters.
And I will put sweats on and not care that I can't shop at Anthropologie.
I am so blessed.
Love Bell.